Attachment

by Disco

This past week I have branched out into new men in ways I hadn't yet since my breakup. One of them might be alright, the other one is definitely blowing up in my face...

I met a dude on a website and after much flirting I finally gave him my cell number to text. We got to texting and right away it was cybering. For the first 10 minutes or so, the stuff he was telling me was really hot - and I am trying to get more into the kink scene, and he is a dom - but then he just went way too far for me. It was a total turn off. Not that it's all stuff I wld never try, but it's all stuff that I wld need a lot more priming for. It's actually 95% stuff I wld do for the ex... but just not a stranger... And 5% stuff I so just would not do. I guess it must be a trust issue but if I'm not comfortable then, regardless of the reason - there doesn't have to be a reason, actually. If I'm not comfortable, I'm shutting that shit down.

So I did, I shut him down and said I don't do that, and then today again he came at me and really the stuff he says is hot most of the time, but it's just too fast for me, it scares me off. So I shut him down again! He takes it really well though and is really respectful of it so I'm thinking of sticking along with him and just giving him little 'Do Not Enter' signs every so often.

In other news, I went out last night with a dude from a different dating site. I went to his apartment with a bottle of wine and he'd made this actually pretty good spaghetti with peas and carrots and potatoes in it. He and I hung out for like five hours and he seemed like a really cool guy. We started making out, and he wasn't the best kisser but I've never actually dated a guy who was a really good kisser, unfortunately... The ex definitely improved with time and some direction, which is what I figure any guy can do, but never a great kisser. Anyway, so we made out and then he moved me over to his bed (it was a tiny little studio aparment) and we continued making out there and involved some dry humping and titty sucking but I wouldn't let him go any farther that that - no clothes came off, etc. But somewhere in the middle of all of this he suddenly pulls my face back and goes "I want this to be long term." And it was like "Woaaaaahh, buddy!"

So I got out of there once I mustered up the courage to say I wanted to go home (I fear being rude.) He texted me twice again that night, sent me an FB message, and texted me this morning to tell me to come over. Maybe if I had really liked him, really really, it would have been romantic and everything. But it's not there. The Ex and I have our cyber sex non-relationship within the context of our one-year agreement and I always think to myself, if I wouldn't give that up for a guy, I shouldn't string him along and use him just to hurt him. It's alright if they're out for a fling - like Cyber Sex guy - but not if they want long term. I can't do that right now, at least not for somebody who I'm not into enough to stop comparing them to the Ex all the time and wishing he were there instead (which I was.)

So... that's all for that. Maybe I'm not a sub. Maybe I'm a desperate loser still in love with her Ex (that one's not really a maybe) but at least now I know what I am looking for. A fling. Nothing serious. If it becomes serious, sure, I will go with that. But I don't want that to be expected of me right now. But I do demand a level of courtship purely to develop trust. Maybe I'm not totally out of my Molested-Girl Shell but I can't let somebody touch me without them developing a trusting relationship with me first - regardless of if it's a friendship or just a sexual relationship that's taken quite slowly. That's probably boring - and vanilla - but whatever. If you don't give it to me, I'm shutting you down.