Textuality

by Disco

My experience with photo sharing/sexting/phone sex/&c. has thus far only been with one person. And so I think it's time I told the story of the man I will call Jack.

I fell in love with Jack in December of 2008. Jack fell in love with me in February of 2009. We dated until April 2009, and broke up, then reunited until I believe January 2010, when we broke up again. And then! Reunited again! [Yes, we're one of those] until Jack fell out of love with me in March 2010. Well, I say that, but he said he didn't know how he felt. Which is what had happened back in April 2009 - and seems to happen when he gets very overwhelmed with other areas of his life.

It was awful, we both cried, I didn't really talk to him for two months. Then, his graduation. I went to his graduation because I had made the promise to, and I went to the little cocktail party he had afterward with his family and some of our friends. I had to leave to the bathroom over and over, crying, and eventually he came back and told me to come up in a couple days and we'll talk about everything before he left (he moved back to British Columbia.) I went up that day, May 22nd, and we made a deal to 'try to try again' in a year. We also had great sex.

The thing is, the sex part hasn't stopped since that day. We have had phone sex twice since then, we've had numerous cyber sex encounters, and several picture exchanges including a promise of pictures for his birthday which I am considering backing out of... But here you can see the context of my experiences with technosex.

Since I began going to school, and he began working, we hardly ever talk to each other. And I now realise I was totally attached to our non-physical sexual relationship. Even if I knew I had no claim to him emotionally, and no real claim to his monogamy physically, I knew he wanted me. I still know he wants me - he makes it rather plain - but the long periods without talking make it feel like... I don't know. It's a confusing situation.

I will admit that over a summer period when he went back to BC and I was still on the other side of the country, we also took part in a NPS relationship and it was great. I'm definitely not saying that it's not awesome.

But I am saying that it can carry the same emotional baggage and can create the same emotional baggage as regular sexual encounters, in my opinion. Sex is, to most people, intimate. Maybe not romantically intimate but it's something you don't share with everybody. A certain level of trust is involved - and especially when you're sharing pictures and the like with somebody who could use those to expose you anytime down the line in your career or marriage or anything. So... obviously these girls were right - the lovely Glitterbella and XTC let me know they thought my continuing of the sexual side of my relationship was a big mistake - but am I going to stop? I don't know.

I do want to stop scratching this scab and let that wound heal. But more than that, I love him and I don't want to lose him for good.

Edit: Talked to Jack since making this post, we've cleared the air and I feel alright about the situation again. Also, we then had really good cyber sex. Gotta go change my sheets!