Tango No. 1

By Disco

My first time... Alright.

My first time I was fifteen years old. I was going to go visit my dad with a friend of mine, I lived in Canada, she lived in Maine, and my dad lived in Texas. I went down for the weekend to my friend's place in Maine before we flew to Texas. That weekend, she had a boy over for the night - I'll call him Frankie. My friend had a major crush on Frankie, but he became much more interested in me and we fooled around when she was out of the room. But, I didn't want to lose my virginity, I had wanted to wait at least a couple more years.

Then, the two of us went to Texas and it was very dramatic. My father is highly emotionally/psychologically abusive and she saw that for the first time (thus beginning to understand me,) and then I was molested by his then-'boyfriend' (a straight man who had sex with him in exchange for being bought alcohol) in a pool.

So, reeling from lack of control in all of these situations, we go back to Maine and I decide I must take control of what people do to my body. I must have the say in who touches me where, and when I want to do what. I just needed to do something to assert some kind of control. So I got Frankie to sleep with me, because I thought it was my decision and I had the control.

We didn't use a condom. We were interrupted three times by her mother. We never even took our clothes off, he just pushed my panties to one side. Worst of all, there was cat hair everywhere and it kept getting on our mouths and eyes... I regretted it immediately afterward and did not have sex again until...

I went to university. I got high. I got drunk. I fucked a guy, we'll call him George. George fell madly in love with me after this - I woke up the next day like 'God, I had sex with George? What the fuck?' I thought nothing else would happen.

For the record, I was also in a very very disturbed mental state, this is around the time I hardly ever left my room, I wrote on my walls during panic attacks, I was still a cutter, I had attempted suicide a couple times, I thought everybody hated me - I was in a bad way.

So George falls madly in love with me, and two mutual friends begin begging me on his behalf to give him a chance and date him, please, won't I, please, he really likes you, and blah blah. I felt like they were saying, we're his friends, not yours, we care how he feels, not you, and we won't be your friends if you don't do this. So I did it.

After I started dating him, I found out I took his virginity - something I told myself I would never do to somebody - and he had had a girlfriend at the time and left her to be with me. Our relationship was miserable, barely lasted, and I wish I had been a stronger person at the time to tell these people to fuck off. I tried very hard to feel a connection to him, I tried everything I could to forge one and I couldn't. So, I broke it off. He didn't speak to me for three months.

So, that's how I gave my virginity and took a virginity. I wish I had waited. I wish George hadn't have been such a tool and had waited for his own girlfriend, who he later went back to. Basically, I think losing your virginity should be like getting a tattoo. Think about it, think about it hard and for a long time and remember that this memory, and this person, is going to be a part of you for the rest of your life. Make it worth it. Don't lose your virginity because you don't want to be the last one left, or because you just want to start having sex, as opposed to being in a relationship or love. Do it because it means something, because no matter what, it's going to be a meaningful moment that you have to carry forever. Don't rush into it.