F.U.I.

by Disco

Intoxicated sex... I can tell you a really gnarly story about this one.

Back when I was dating George (which, if you read this post you'll know I was never actually interested in him but instead was semi-pressured/fairly-disturbed at the time) I had a night where I drank too much vodka. Honestly, this was the second time this had happened and I ended up in the bathroom, on the floor, passing out - this is where the fucked up part starts coming in - praying no one would find me so that I could die there. When someone did find me and the ambulance staff arrived, I was too drunk to speak, to do anything to show how I was feeling except scream. That was all I could do. I wanted to tell them, calmly, leave me alone, just put me in my room and leave me alone, I'm fine - but I wasn't able to. I could just scream bloody murder and try to get away from them.

Somewhere in there I passed out and puked a lot of blood and a few hours later I woke up. George witnessed all of this, along with our friend - who I was actually in love with at the time, and who was a very sweet man to me (in fact we later went hitch hiking together) and who I actually wanted to be my boyfriend, not George... not George at all.

But what disturbs me is that George saw all of this. He and the other boy came to the hospital in the ambulance with me, saw me puking blood and vomit, bleeding from the IV, crying, passing out - and hours upon hours later when I woke up and was discharged we went back to his room because nobody wanted to leave me alone, and I tried to go to sleep...

And George coerced me into giving him a blowjob.

Fresh from the blood & vomit campaign, still smelling of it, blood spatters caked on my arms, he had me give him a blowjob, and I hated myself enough that I didn't care anymore, and I did.

One of the worst nights of my life I can remember - so ridiculously sordid. But now that I've gotten that out of the way, and keeping in mind that my first encounter with George, which you can see in the previous post, was also an intoxicated encounter you shall know that sometimes intoxicated sex is a very, very bad idea. It has everything to do with how you feel about yourself, though, because...

During my relationship with Jack, we would sometimes go out drinking together and for a very brief period we smoked weed together (but the ultimate decision was that we didn't like it, as it didn't mesh well with my depression and his aversion to all drugs in an attempt to stay clean from one particular drug he had been addicted to years ago.) When I drink -only a small few and not enough to get me hospitalized - I get very horny and I am also inclined to having a more open mind, like anybody else. And therefore, especially during the beginning stages when my body was still very closed off and I was still very wary about sexual encounters, sex with Disco when she'd had a few was the best sex. And to this day it probably still is. I still love having a few drinks, going home and sending Jack naughty messages. Just-barely drunken horniness and sex can be some of the best and I totally reccomend it, while keeping in mind how it all depends on how you feel about the person you're with but mostly how you feel about yourself. You have to trust yourself, above anything. If you trust yourself, you're free.

Tango No. 1

By Disco

My first time... Alright.

My first time I was fifteen years old. I was going to go visit my dad with a friend of mine, I lived in Canada, she lived in Maine, and my dad lived in Texas. I went down for the weekend to my friend's place in Maine before we flew to Texas. That weekend, she had a boy over for the night - I'll call him Frankie. My friend had a major crush on Frankie, but he became much more interested in me and we fooled around when she was out of the room. But, I didn't want to lose my virginity, I had wanted to wait at least a couple more years.

Then, the two of us went to Texas and it was very dramatic. My father is highly emotionally/psychologically abusive and she saw that for the first time (thus beginning to understand me,) and then I was molested by his then-'boyfriend' (a straight man who had sex with him in exchange for being bought alcohol) in a pool.

So, reeling from lack of control in all of these situations, we go back to Maine and I decide I must take control of what people do to my body. I must have the say in who touches me where, and when I want to do what. I just needed to do something to assert some kind of control. So I got Frankie to sleep with me, because I thought it was my decision and I had the control.

We didn't use a condom. We were interrupted three times by her mother. We never even took our clothes off, he just pushed my panties to one side. Worst of all, there was cat hair everywhere and it kept getting on our mouths and eyes... I regretted it immediately afterward and did not have sex again until...

I went to university. I got high. I got drunk. I fucked a guy, we'll call him George. George fell madly in love with me after this - I woke up the next day like 'God, I had sex with George? What the fuck?' I thought nothing else would happen.

For the record, I was also in a very very disturbed mental state, this is around the time I hardly ever left my room, I wrote on my walls during panic attacks, I was still a cutter, I had attempted suicide a couple times, I thought everybody hated me - I was in a bad way.

So George falls madly in love with me, and two mutual friends begin begging me on his behalf to give him a chance and date him, please, won't I, please, he really likes you, and blah blah. I felt like they were saying, we're his friends, not yours, we care how he feels, not you, and we won't be your friends if you don't do this. So I did it.

After I started dating him, I found out I took his virginity - something I told myself I would never do to somebody - and he had had a girlfriend at the time and left her to be with me. Our relationship was miserable, barely lasted, and I wish I had been a stronger person at the time to tell these people to fuck off. I tried very hard to feel a connection to him, I tried everything I could to forge one and I couldn't. So, I broke it off. He didn't speak to me for three months.

So, that's how I gave my virginity and took a virginity. I wish I had waited. I wish George hadn't have been such a tool and had waited for his own girlfriend, who he later went back to. Basically, I think losing your virginity should be like getting a tattoo. Think about it, think about it hard and for a long time and remember that this memory, and this person, is going to be a part of you for the rest of your life. Make it worth it. Don't lose your virginity because you don't want to be the last one left, or because you just want to start having sex, as opposed to being in a relationship or love. Do it because it means something, because no matter what, it's going to be a meaningful moment that you have to carry forever. Don't rush into it.